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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29733081">An ice cube</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyx_Not_Found/pseuds/Nyx_Not_Found'>Nyx_Not_Found</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dream SMP - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, Graphic Self Harm, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, tw</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:26:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,293</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29733081</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyx_Not_Found/pseuds/Nyx_Not_Found</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>TW! Please read tags, this is a graphic story and it could be triggering. this is a vent fic for me so I can only talk about my own experiences. Read at your own risk, if you need help please reach out to someone, there is always a reason to stay alive.<br/>Nyx is alone, they have nothing left. After a particularly bad relapse she gives up, they let the urges take over.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first fic and the first couple of chapter might be a bit short as I'm just getting into this.<br/>Main character uses she/they pronouns.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nyx's pov:</p>
<p>The room went quite again, <em>shit, someone must have asked me something.</em></p>
<p>"Sorry I wasn't listening ahahah", please someone repeat the question, please believe me.</p>
<p>"It's ok, I was just asking if you wanted to take off your jacket, its already really hot Nyx. We don't want you to over heat", it was Goggy. Of course he had to ask me that today, right now, the one time in the past two year when i actually can't take it off.</p>
<p>"Oh, ahaha" <em>Don't let your thoughts wander, answer the question. get him off your back</em>. "No I'm ok, thanks though Goggy. I've got a bit of a chill right now". I hadn't noticed that my right hand had made its way down to my thigh, pressing, rubbing and picking at the skin underneath my jeans until I saw Dream staring at my hand, disappointment swelling in his eyes.</p>
<p>His face scrunched in both confusion and curiosity, <em>don't notice, don't notice, don't notice.</em></p>
<p>George started, "Maybe you should go back to your room then-" Dream cut him off</p>
<p>"-I'll take them up and keep them company for a while", I looked up at him, his eyes seemed to see past my clothes. <em>He knows. He knows.</em> I stood up on shaky legs trying not to give away my feelings, Dream rose from the couch he was sitting in too and followed me. He walked just a little too closely to just me accompanying a friend to her room. He watched every movement I made, every time my legs wobbled his eyes darted to my thighs and hips.</p>
<p>Hastily, he took the key card out of my shaking hands and swiped the card so forcefully it almost snapped in two. My heart was pounding in my ears, my vision drifting in and out as I tried to ground myself. That urge crept up on me again, he metal in my pocket seemed to vibrate, calling my name. My thoughts were so consumed by it that I almost fell over whilst absent mindedly trying to climb over my suitcase.</p>
<p>"Nyx" his voice was stern and deep "what's going on?" </p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck, fuck, fuck. what do I say? how can I convince him that nothing is wrong?</em>
</p>
<p>"What do you mean Dream? Nothing's going on, I'm just feeling a bit under the weather right now." He did not look convinced.</p>
<p>"Don't lie to me, I might not be a psychologist but I notice things. And what I'm noticing with you recently is scaring the fuck out of me. You're going to tell me whats going on, because I'm your friend and I'm worried. Ok?" before I could answer he got up and locked the door behind us.</p>
<p>"Dream what are you doing?" the fear started the raise in my voice, I couldn't keep it shoved away anymore.</p>
<p>"Neither of us are going anywhere until you tell me whats going on"</p>
<p>"And if I refuse?"</p>
<p>"Then I'm going to stay here until you open up, or I'm going to get George and Phil and they'll watch over you. I'm not leaving you alone until I know what's going on" he sat down in the corner of the room, pulled a book out of his bag and began reading. He started to fucking read, like I'm not over he loosing my fucking mind because I don't know how to tell this man to fuck off. Suddenly the urges were too much, I stood up and started pacing around the room. I don't care what he thinks of mw right now, I make those urges stop even if it mean doing <em>it</em> right here in the middle of the room. The urges turned to frustration and then to anger, I couldn't control myself anymore.</p>
<p>"Dream, I'm not fucking around anymore. Please get the fuck out of my room" anger leaked into my voice, filling the room with heavy air.</p>
<p>"No, Nyx I'm not leaving you alone right now I've already said that. I can't trust that you are safe on your own so I'm not going to take a chance. I get that you don't like opening up but right now is one of those times when you just have to push past that. I'm not asking you to tell me every secret you have or to open up about all of your problems because that is unrealistic. That said, I'm asking you to tell me what's going on so that I can help you, if you need medical attention I'll get it for you. whatever is going on I'm here to help but so help me god if you tell me nothing is wrong one more time I'm going to loose my shit." His voice conveyed a bit too much anger, he noticed but he didn't apologise.</p>
<p>"Dream I get that you want to help but right now I really need to be alone at least for five minutes. If you're not going to let me leave then I'm going to the bathroom" I got up and started walking, i know he's not going to let me leave, not when I'm like this.</p>
<p>"Leave the door open" he called out just as I was about to lock myself into a room where I could feel safe. Frustration built behind my eyes, I just wanted to feel safe, I wanted to curl up in a ball and be alone with my thoughts. I gave up on trying to argue with him, so instead I walked to the opposite corner of the room to him and hid myself as much as I could, hoping I was out of his sight enough for me to calm my urges. </p>
<p>Once I was satisfied with being far enough away, my hand reached to the metal in my pocket, I turned it over in my hand, feeling the sharpness glide through the air. I knew that I wouldn't be able to mark my arms of my hips without him seeing me move around, so I opted for my palm, as annoying as it is to injure your palm it was the only place I had right now and I wasn't going to be able to keep myself grounded for long. I pressed the cold metal into my palm feeling my blood warm the area immediately, i went slowly, keeping the pressure moderate and breathing in a sharp breath as I felt the metal move along my skin, bringing beads of crimson with it.</p>
<p>Dream looked up at me as I took in a breath that conveyed my actions a little too obviously, his face painted with worry as he opened his mouth to speak but was cut off my a knock on the door. </p>
<p>"Who is it?" he called out, trying to keep his voice in check.</p>
<p>"It's me, Ranboo. Can I come in? I need to talk to Nyx about something" I didn't hear Dreams response because the pain in my hand suddenly erupted through my arm, I hadn't noticed that I was still gripping the blade, I cut too deep.</p>
<p>Both Ranboo and dream came rushing over to me but Ranboo kept dream back a little bit. He knew what I was going through and he had been in this situation with me before. </p>
<p>"Nyx? I need you to look at me please." His voice was calming and his eyes softened as I lifted my own to meet his.</p>
<p>"Please Ranboo ... help me, its the only thing that'll help" I chocked the words out still trying to calm my heart beat and keep my mind of the pooling blood around my hand.</p>
<p>"Give me a rating, lets not take drastic steps unless we have to"</p>
<p>"It's a 10, and those steps have already been taken" his eyes widened and he looked me up and down, scanning my body for nay obvious injury. His eyes stopped when he saw the dark patch that was slowly spreading over my pocket. He knew what had happened and I trusted him to help me, to be honest i trusted Dream too I just couldn't say the words he needed me to.</p>
<p>"Nyx I'm going to pull your hand out of your pocket now, but first I need you to answer three questions. can you do that for me?" He knew what worked with me, he kept his language formal and rid his voice and expression of any emotion. this wasn' the first time Ranboo's helped me.</p>
<p>I nodded my head but kept my eyes on the ground.</p>
<p>"Do you have a fresh injury on you hand that was inflicted within the last hour? I'm going to need a yes or a no answer."</p>
<p>I though for a moment, contemplating whether I should lie or not. But no, there was no lying my way out of this one.</p>
<p>"Yes." my eyes never left the ground but I could feel the atmosphere change, mostly from dreams deep inhales and shaky exhales.</p>
<p>"Ok, do you have any other injuries that were inflicted within the past three hours, that are not on your palm?"</p>
<p>"Yes." my voice was quite now, just barely a whisper. The anger I had before was now replaced with fear, and shame.</p>
<p>"Thank you for telling me, last question and I'm gonna need you to be honest. Do you have any blades, sharp objects or items that could be used to cause self inflicted wounds on you or in this room right now?" I knew it was coming, the hardest question he asks me. Every time I have the urge to lie, but with the blade in my hand and others scattered throughout my hotel room, he would find out almost instantly.</p>
<p>"Yes, I have a blade in my hand, a few in the bathroom, lighters and glass in my bag and pills in my suitcase." I could see both of their hearts drop, I wanted nothing more that to say sike right then and there, to pretend that there was nothing wrong. But they already knew, I needed to let them help me. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TW still applies, please read the tags and don't continue if this could be triggering for you.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nyx's POV:</p><p>Ranboo moved slowly as to not scare me any more that he knew I already was. As horrible as I feel for putting him and Dream through this I can't help but be greatful with them around. Dream was still having trouble keeping his cool and I know he isn't used to this like me and Ranboo are.</p><p>"Ok thank you for being honest, I know that was hard enough as it is but I'm gonna need you to be brave again for me. Can you do that?" His voice was calm and mellow as usual, he let a little bit more emotion seep into his voice this time. This man really is a saint. I don't know what I did to deserve him, as much as I hate the situation I'm in I do feel like the luckiest person in the world right now.</p><p>"ok Ranboo, I trust you". My voice was shook as I spoke. <em>Relax it's ok, you're safe now. </em></p><p>Ranboo started moving slowly towards me, his eyes scanning me again trying his hardest to read my emotions. Before he reached out to touch me he asked, "Can I touch you Nyx? I need to look at your injuries." He was back to speaking formally again. I'm sure that all of this is confusing to Dream, he probably doesn't understand the relationship between Ranboo and I.</p><p>"Yes, you can touch me, just go slowly please" I let my eyes meet him and gave him a silent plea. He began to move again, he reached out and lifted my hand from my pocket. His eyes widening at the blood, but he kept going, moving methodically. He stoped again when his hands reached the zipper of my hoodie, "Can I?"</p><p>"Yeah". His need for verbal consent is both is blessing and a curse, I know that he needs it and I would be uncomfortable if he didn't stop to check constantly. But also sometimes I just want him to get on with it, to get to the hard part, to see the disappointment in his eyes when he sees all the new marks on my skin. In an attempt to disract myself from Ranboos movements, I choose now to speak to Dream.</p><p>"Dream?" He looked up, his eyes full of fear and concern.</p><p>"I guess you're probably confused, am I right?"</p><p>"Yeah. I mean I guessed that something like this was going on but I don't understand what's going on with you and Ranboo." Ranboo stoped and looked up to me again but continued once he saw my face relax for the first time tonight.</p><p>"Lets just say this happens a lot. Ranboo and I have an agreement to help each other when we need it, he knows how best to help me and I know how best to help him. It definitely took us many panic attacks to get to this point but here we are."</p><p>Before Dream could speak again Ranboo spoke up again "Dream I need you to pass me the first aid kit behind you please". Seems like talking to Dream did take my mind off Ranboo, it seemed to take his off me too because he only now noticed that my jacket was on the floor and my bare arms were on show. He tried not to stare at my scars and marks but I knew he was curious. Once he had passed Ranboo the medical kit, he fell quiet awaiting Ranboos next instructions. </p><p>"Do you want Dream to stay while I clean you up? If he stays he's gonna need to help me so you decided if you're comfortable with that or not"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I lost motivation half way through to have a little cliff hanger.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is kind of trash, I'll probably redo it later. Also sorry for my grammar and spelling mistakes.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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